Friday, November 28, 2008

On introspection..

Blinded, muted,dumbed
by a sense of powerlessnes
powerlessness or affability?
weakness or inner beauty?
non-aggressiveness or serenity?
A weakness that forgives,
doesnt punish,
that pleases to please,
that sacrifices the self of an ego,
the selfless ego?
Or a cloud of hatred,
of trifle anger
that doesnt forgive,
doesnt forget,
that punishes with 
a tool self defeating.
The wrath that bounds back on the perpetrator
that is neither subtle nor discreet

An ocean emptied of water
emptied of life..

Look down at that vast expanse
of whiteness 
beneath ur eyes
of the river flowing 
not as one but still in a single file
and then it bifurcates
into vein upon vein of 
madness jumping to its end
of knived red straight lines on that river ,
that expanse of whiteness.
of criss crosses,
of crossroads to confuse passer-bys
of unloading the burden,
the sediment to be spilled out 
the river to be unburdened
or perhaps emptied

the burden loaded on
in a moment of the past
in a loveless adoloscense
of burden carried 
in tears frozen in the eyes
becoming diamonds,glass diamonds,fake glass diamonds
that pierce unto blindness
the head bowed in meekness to see only the ground beneath
and feel the sack ,the dangling sack of sword 
that holes through amid shreiking winds of despair
of a longing for the look of the sky,of wings,of arms that fly
Of trying to stand up for myself
But still arched,bent over
into a dome of submissiveness
load upon load of bodies,
of guilt-ridden glasses of red wine;
of the burden of bricks of faces,
the illusion of walking sticks,
of arms holding me in a cradle

There's no cradle

free me,i cry
free me..
give me ur blood to live,i spilled mine
give me ur eyes to see ,i sold mine
give me ur legs to stand,i rusted mine
give me life,i cry
but no-one did
or u did
Still it couldnt be mine
It never could be
dat blood, those eyes, this life 
transfused but alien
though cup upon cup did i drink 
yet i fell powerless, armless
there never could be a cradle 

Little did i realise
the secret of those eyes,those signs
blinded by an indifference,a vacuum of rejection
of escape,of denial
a passive spectator
with eyes that have severed links with the mind
of mind that has broken away from consciousness
dullened into a glass half filled half darkened

In a jungle of fear filled yellow flies
or bulbs of light in bulbs of flowers
fear of getting pricked 
of wild animals
of shadows
of darkness
of movement 
of making my presence felt
of defense
of offense
of making a noise, a squeak,
of breathing..
of fear filled yellow flies.

free me,i cry
free me..
there's no one to untie the knots
No one to hear the cries
Make me realise that
there's no one to make me alive.
Make me know,
Make me not hope.
But there's no one to make it known,
No one to help it cure.

That mildew of gloom won't go
It has taken a life of its own
My life
i've lost the tug of war
But i shall rise
from the depths of my macabre grave.
On my own
Someday,i will be Christ..

P.S.- The inspiration for this post was a glance over in which i was the invisible ghost.. And I  realised i'm a ghost by choice but i've never wanted to be one..


Aupsy-The cOOlest One!! said...

deadly introspection!!!

Trying to look for the gloom in ur past and then makin it roll back on you to trap u in a listless, lifeless matrix... sigh!!

contentment in watching the river flow is a contempt on the life,the blood that it carries with itself, if only u'd learn to flow with it! :)

retrospect...but dont introspect

Deevine said...

blogger is so dumb ,it says "1 comments" ..
the P.S. is complete in itself ,i see nothing wrong with it..
the "u" here refers to someone you know..btw

sana said...

hi deevine
all your poems as well as prose seem to be in a quest for something that brings a sense of contentment and fulfillness, however, u appear to be in a maze that finally drops u at a point of question or negation from where u began...try to bring more optimism in ur creation so that when u read back it fills u and others with hopefulness and sanguineness rather than gloom and doubt.